Befriending Your Internal Parts
In last month’s blog I introduced you to Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy, inviting you to imagine your mind as a lively family with different parts living inside you, with each part having it’s own unique personality, motivations, fears, and needs. There are Exile parts, who carry the emotional pain of childhood and other past experiences and are hidden away; Manager parts, who work tirelessly to maintain order and safeguard against emotional wildfires sparked by exiles; and Firefighter parts, who heroically jump into action to extinguish the emotional fires ignited within exiles, despite all the efforts of managers. This internal family metaphor can be likened to the Animated Movie Inside Out, where characters like Anger, Fear, Disgust and Sadness live in young Riley’s mind. Both Inside Out and IFS emphasize relating to the characters in your mind with curiosity, understanding, and care. In this week’s blog I’m going to share 6 ways you can befriend your parts, using the example of John (see March’s blog for more details and for an Intro. to IFS) to help you create balance and harmony in your internal mind and world.
A Recap of Divorced Dad, John
If you remember John grew up feeling ‘not good enough’ because he could never seem to meet the unrelentingly high standards of his critical parents. Making mistakes at work and feeling inadequate, due to a failed marriage, and not seeing his kids enough struck at the heart of his vulnerable exile, who already felt unworthy. John’s Critical Manager defended against this exile’s vulnerable feelings by criticizing his faults, mistakes, and performace, and demanding perfection of him. When the constant recriminations of his Critic became too much and he experienced a blaze of distress ( e.g., depression, anxiety, overwhelm), his Happy Pig Firefighter, like a good first responder, activated providing him with emergency care of baked goods, sweets, chips, and alcohol to soothe those emotional fires. This binging would intensify his Critic, who would beat him up for messing up yet again. Plus, this beating left his exile feeling even more unworthy, unseen and unsafe, which further undermined John’s confidence and progress in those life areas, where the Critic was desperate to see him succeed. The more the Critic intensified, the more the Happy Pig intensified too. He was caught in a vicious cycle, that was leading to increased distress for all his parts. John wanted me to teach him to suppress or eliminate the Critic, but I explained to him that this unpopular Critic may actually have a positive intention for his system and if he can learn more about it he might actually be able to help it heal. He skeptically agreed to get to know the Critic.
Befriending Your Parts: The 6Fs
In IFS there are six steps, called the 6Fs: find, focus, and flesh out, followed by feel toward, befriend, and explore fears, to befriend protective parts. I’m going to provide a breakdown of these steps, interspersed with examples of how these steps applied to John.
Step 1: Find the part
This stage is about finding a part. John didn’t know where to start and so I offered him a few IFS prompts to find which part needed attention first, reminding him that curiosity and kindness go a long way toward inviting a part to risk showing up.
Settle into a comfortable position.
Notice your back against the chair, your feet on the floor, and your contact with the ground.
Close your eyes (If that feels comfortable) and take a couple of deep breaths.
Now focus your attention inside and see what you notice.
A part may make itself known through thoughts, emotions, or body sensations.
If any thought, emotion or sensation comes to your attention, make this your target part (a target part is at the center of your attention during an exercise; like the lead actor in a play).
Therapist: Would it be okay to close your eyes, John? Good. Take a few deep breaths. Just sit quietly, open space, and notice any thoughts, feelings, or sensations that come up.
John: Okay. I feel a tension in my chest and I feel like my breath is short.
2. Step 2: Focus on it
At this stage try to focus exclusively for a minute on the part that you just found inside. Give the emerging part space to exist and simply observe and describe what unfolds, without the pressure of analysis.
Therapist: John, is it okay to focus on those sensations to see what you can learn?
John: I guess. I’m noticing I’m feeling tense in my body and anxious.
Step 3: Flesh it out
This next stage involves fleshing out this part. For many people, finding, focusing and fleshing out happen almost simultaneously and in an unremarkable way, but if your internal experience has been chronically invalidated, dismissed, or punished, then noticing and describing a part will feel like a novel experience and you may have only a vague sense of a part, when you first try out this exercise. That’s okay. Sometimes it takes a few times of visiting and building trust with a part, before a part lets you in. Take heart; everyone moves through the stages at their own pace.
Here are some questions to flesh out a part:
Where is the part located in and around your body?
Does it have an image (e.g., a flash of a memory or life event)?
Is the part telling you anything?
Do you feel it?
Does it come with an urge or impulse to do anything?
If not, is there another way that you are aware of it (e.g.,, shape, color, size)?
Therapist: John, is it okay to focus on these sensations and anxiety to see what we can learn (they become our target part)?
John: Okay, I’ll try.
Therapist: Can you go back inside and be curious about the sensations and anxiety?
John: I’m tense and I have the urge to be done with this exercise and do something that is actually productive like return to work.
Therapist: Do you see or hear this part?
John: I’m hearing a harsh and judgmental voice, “You’re wasting your time again, aren’t you? Just stitting there, accomplishing nothing. Everyone else is out there being productive, achieving goals and making a difference. But not you! No wonder nobody validates your efforts. Why would they, when you’re not even doing anything valuable or worthwhile? You’re no good! You can’t even do this stupid exercise right. Just do this right so she doesn’t think you’re a fool. Why should she respect you when you can’t even handle the simplest of tasks without messing up! ”
The Critic Manager
Therapist: Is the part showing you an image?
John: I’m getting an image of the Critic; an angry man yelling at me through clenced teeth … he sounds like my father. What he’s saying is similar to what I heard from my dad, whenever I rested or when I tried something new and didn’t get it right right away. I’m also remembering how my mom would scream at me out of the blue, when I got something wrong.
*This finding, focusing and fleshing out process reveals the presence of John’s Critical Manager Part.
Therapist: How else are you aware of this Critic part?
John: Well, I’m really anxious and I feel pressure to meet the Critic’s expectations like be really productive and finish my report for work and at the same time I want to be sure I do this right, so you don’t think I’m stupid.
Step 4: How Do You Feel Toward the Part?
The Self
This step involves gauging your response to your target part. Are you curious about it? Are you afraid of it? Are you ashamed of it? Are you open to it? Do you want to get rid of it?
If your attitude towards your target part isn’t characterized by the 8 C’s of Self-energy (i.e., compassion, calm, curiosity, confidence, courage, clarity, connectedness, and creativity), then it means another part is reacting strongly (e.g., negatively) to the part you are trying to target, and is taking over from your Self. For example, a scared part may fear that paying attention to your target part may disrupt your system in some way.
If your answer to this feel toward question reveals such a reactive part you can do the following to help it relax, so more of your Self shows up. Self is the core of you that isn’t a part, can’t be damaged by trauma or adversity, and embodies the 8C’s. The Self (not other parts) is the driver of bonding and healing when interacting with your parts.
Ask the reactive part, if it is willing to soften or relax so you can get to know your target part.
If it’s not willing to relax, ask it what it needs you to know.
These reactive parts often need to feel heard and validated.
This process may lead you to a second (or third, fourth … ) reactive part that needs help before the Self is available to talk to your target part.
Once a reactive part agrees to give you space, you ask, "How do I feel toward the (target) part now?”
Repeat this process, until your response to this feel toward question reflects qualities of the Self, both in content and in tone. Then it’s okay to move forward and get to know your target part.
Therapist: John, how do you feel toward the Critic?
John: I’m sick and tired of it (irritated tone).
Therapist: Can you ask this Sick and Tired Part to relax inside and give you a little space to get to know the Critic.
John: Let me see … yeah okay the Sick and Tired Part is willing to step back, but it wants to stay close and watch (neutral voice).
Therapist: Okay that’s fair. How do you feel toward the Critic now?
John: I feel hopeless about it changing. Nothing helps (resigned tone).
Therapist: Okay. What else does this Hopeless Part need you to know?
John: It’s afraid this isn’t going to work and I’m just going to end up disappointed. I have the urge to give up on this exercise; I mean what’s the point (collapsed posture)?
Therapist: It’s completely understandable to feel afraid and skeptical, especially if past experiences have left you feeling disappointed. It’s okay to feel uncertain, but I wonder if you can tell this Hopeless Part that you’re not alone in this. I’m here to guide and support you every step of the way.
John: Thanks. It feels better knowing that (half smile on his face)
Therapist: Can you ask the Hopeless Part, if it would be willing to give you a few minutes to try something new; to get to know the Critic and find out why it behaves the way it does. You may uncover how it’s helping you and learn about it’s fears, which may allow you to help it heal. But you can’t do this if the Hopeless Part is blended with you and is not open to giving you some space to learn more about it.
John: The Hopless Part never thought about things in this way. It’s always hated the Critic and just wanted to get rid of it. I guess I can try something different (curious look on face).
Therapist: So is the Hopeless Part giving us permission to proceed?
John: Yes, I mean it’s a bit hesitant, but open to hearing more (posture more upright).
Thearpist: Good. How do you feel toward the Critic now?
John: I’m kinda scared of him.
Therapist: Can you ask this part why it’s scared (anxious look on his face)?
John: It doesn’t want me to be overwhelmed by the Critic. He’s mean and shouts. He’s afraid I’ll be really bummed out when I leave.
Therapist: I don’t want you to leave this session bummed out. I wonder if you can ask the Critic if he’s willing to communicate respectfully in exchange for your attention. If he shouts or overwhelms you then you can’t give it any attention or help it.
John: Hmmm he says he’s gonna speak plainly, but he’ll try to turn down the meanness, so he can be heard. He really wants attention. He has a lot to say.
Therapist: Okay good. How do you feel toward the Critic now?
John: The Scared Part is still a little reluctant to trust the Critic.
Therapist: Okay, let it know we’re just going to get to know the Critic; we’re not going to let the Critic take over, but if he tries then the Scared Part reserves the right to stop us. How does that sound?
John: Okay. It likes that.
Therapist: How do you feel toward the Critic now?
John: I’m open to him. I do sometimes wonder why he goes on and on the way he does (posture more relaxed, curious look on face).
* This response shows that John’s Self is speaking, as he is talking from a place of more calm and curiosity.
Step 5: Befriend the part by finding out more about it
After making sure you have sufficient Self-energy you can move on to learning about your target part and developing a friendly relationship with it. Here are some questions you can ask your target part:
What does it want you to know about it?
What is its job?
Why is it saying or doing this?
How does it try to protect you?
What positive intentions does it have for you?
How long has it had this job?
How old is it?
How old does it think you are?
Would it be willing to meet the you of today, your Self?
1. Give it time to check you out and get to know you.
2. See if it is willing to look into your eyes.
3. Let the part know you are grown up now.
4. Offer to show it around your life.
What else does the part want you to know?
Offer the part appreciation and compassion for how it tries to keep you safe e.g., I get that, I appreciate you/what you did for me.
Thank the part for letting you get to know it.
Therapist: John, can you ask the Critic what its job is?
John: He says his job is to criticize me, when I make mistakes or fail and point out my flaws. He needs to tell me I’m not good enough and that I’ll never succeed.
Therapist: Can you ask him how long he’s been doing this job?
John: He says he’s been doing this ever since I was a kid. Growing up, my parents expected nothing short of perfection from me in every aspect of my life, whether it was school, hockey, keeping my room neat, helping around the house, or my appearance. When I made a mistake or when I wasn’t doing enough my mom would express disappointment and dissatisfaction, and dad would have these rage attacks and point out my every mistake and failure. This is reminding me of that time when dad came up to me after a hockey game and scowled, “I can’t believe how slow you were on the ice, you call that skating? Move faster! You need to be be the fastest and strongest out there if you want to make it to the top. Don’t waste my time with half-hearted efforts!” I lived in fear of making mistakes and failing to meet his expectations. I also remember showing my mom my creative writing exercise that I was pretty excited about. She read it and said, “The plot makes no sense. You call this writing? What a waste of time!” I felt so demoralized. I lost my passion for writing after that. I felt like nothing I did was good enough.
Therapist: Can you ask the Critic how it protects you?
John: He believes that if he criticizes me enough and puts immense pressure on me to perform at my best, then I’ll work harder and not make any mistakes. I’ll get ahead and feel worthy and they will like me.
Therapist: It seems like his critical nature comes from a place of good intentions.
John: Yea he says he didn’t want me to get hurt. He wanted me to feel good enough and earn my parent’s love and approval.
The Critic Manager Protects the Exile (boy)
Therapist: John, can you acknowledge his efforts to protect you, even if his methods are harsh?
John: I guess so, I can see how he’s trying to keep me safe in his own way.
Therapist: Can you offer him gratitude for all the hard work he’s done to keep you safe and see how he responds?
John: He’s surprised by my gratitude. He’s relaxing a bit and easing up on his criticism. He’s sighing with relief, as if a weight has been lifted off his shoulders. He’s grateful to be recognized for his hard work.
Therapist: John, can you ask him how old he thinks you are; just say what somes up.
John: That’s a funny question. Let me see. I hear 10 years old. That really surprises me.
Therapist: Can you update the Critic on your real age.
John: I told him I’m 48. He thought I was a little kid, but now he’s not so sure. He can’t quite wrap his head around the fact that I’m older than he thought.
Therapist: Give him time to integrate this information.
John: He’s starting to recognize I am not the same kid he thought he was protecting, but he’s too scared to let go.
Therapist: Can you ask the Critic if he’s willing to meet the you of today, your Self?
John: Okay.
Therapist: Ask him to look you in the eye and tell you who he sees there?
John: He sees a tall man that’s balding a bit (laughs)
Therapist: Ask him what it’s like to meet you.
John: He’s surprised. He thought I was still a weak, scared, lonely kid.
Therapist: Would he like a tour of your life?
John: Yes. He had no idea. He’s surprised I have my own place, I graduated from university, and have funny daughters.
*John’s response to this question reveals the Critic still sees him as a boy, not an adult man.
The Unworthy Exile
Therapist: Is there anything you want to tell him?
John: That I’m here to help.
Therapist: Would he like your help?
John: He doesn’t know me well enough to trust me.
Therapist: Fair enough. What do you say to him?
John: I’m asking him to give me a chance to earn his trust. He’s not sure.
Step 6: What does this part fear?
This step involves assessing the fears and concerns of your target part. You can ask these questions to discover them:
What does it want for you?
What is it afraid would happen if it stopped doing its job? This usually points towards exiles (vulnerable parts they are protecting) or polarized parts (other parts that conflict and compete with the target part)
1. And what is so bad about that?
2. What would happen then?
Is it willing to let you meet the vulnerable part it protects and maybe help them?
What might it need from you?
Therapist: John, can you ask the Critic what is it concerned would happen if it didn’t criticize you and push you to do better?
John: He’s scared that without his constant criticism I’ll forget about all the mistakes I’ve made in the past and repeat them. He thinks that without his reminders, I’ll become careless and not succeed.
Therapist: Those are valid concerns. Can you delve into what the Critic believes would happen if you made mistakes and didn’t reach your goals?
John: He’s scared that if I fail or fall short, people will judge me harshly and I’d lose their respect and admiration. He’s afraid they won’t like me.
Therapist: What else is he afraid of?
John: He’s afraid I would feel inadequate, if I failed or didn’t meet expectations. He’s tried to prevent me from feeling less than and rejected, since I was a kid by keeping me on my toes. The truth is the only time I felt worthy and loved was when I was achieving something.
Therapist: Can you acknowledge his concerns and offer him some words of comfort and understanding? It seems like he played an important role in helping that child feel worthy and loved.
The Happy Pig Firefighter
John: I did. He’s nodding. He’s happy I get it. But he’s also afraid that if he eases up the Happy Pig will take over and I’ll slack off and stop striving for success.
Therapist: And what would happen then?
John: I’ll feel worthless and alienate everyone.
Therapist: Would the Critic be willing to relax for a few minutes and let you be curious about the Happy Pig?
John: He says okay … now I do feel curious.
Therapist: Send your curiosity to the Happy Pig and see what he wants for you?
John: He wants me to feel like I have value. He gets going when the Critic is constantly on my case at work and makes me feel like I’m failing as a father. He is showing me a time when I was a kid and felt inferior and was drowning. I remember binging on junk food to feel better. He says I wasn’t safe and someone had to protect me; he binges so I can feel better.
Therapist: John, can you hear how each of these parts is trying to help you? The Critic is driven to criticize you to help the boy feel worthy and get the love of others, while the Happy Pig comforts the boy when the criticism gets too intense and he feels unworthy.
John: Yes, I understand. I actually appreciate how they’re trying to keep me safe.
Therapist: If you could help and take care of the boy, who feels worthless and rejected, would they need to work so hard?
John: The Happy Pig says probably not.
Therapist: What about the Critic?
John: The Critic doubts it’s possible. He’s afraid I’ll be overwhelmed by the boy and he doesn’t think I’m capable of helping him.
Therapist: Would the Critic be willing to trust you far enough to try something new; to help the boy heal those feelings so he isn’t so vulnerable to unworthiness and rejection. This is just an experiment. If what I say doesn’t prove right then he can go back to what he does so well—making sure you feel adequate and people like you. So would these two parts let you try to help the boy with those feelings?
John: I’m hearing okay.
Therapist: That’s good news. Make sure to thank them for showing up. When this visit feels complete, you can begin to shift your focus outwards and when you feel ready come back to the room.
John: That was so weird. It’s not what I expected. I can’t believe they protected me when I felt worthless and alone as a boy.
Therapists: How do you feel?
John: Like a stream valve opened. I feel lighter and calmer.
Conclusion
The 6Fs of IFS allowed John to befriend and understand the Critic and the Happy Pig (who the Critic was polarized with), address their fears, and ultimately discover and get permission to help the Unworthy Exile they both protected. Just like with people, a part will only be able to heal or transform once it feels heard first, especially around its fears. Only then can it start to feel safe enough to relax, come out of it’s trauma-driven state, and let your Self assume leadership. In essence, the 6Fs provided a process by which John could navigate his internal familiy with greater awareness, understanding, self-compassion, balance, and harmony.
In Next Month’s Blog … I’ll discuss the IFS Unburdening Process, which is the healing of your most vulnerable parts—your exiles. This will be the third and final chapter in John’s story.
References
Schwartz, R. C. (2021). No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma & Restoring Wholeness With the Internal Family Systems Model. Colorado: Sounds True.
Schwartz, R. C., & Sweezy, M. (2020). Internal Family Systems Therapy (2nd ed.). New York:The Guilford Press.